I hate to perpetuate the stereotype of the heretical herbivore, but every vegan has encountered the following conversational situations. I usually will respond to these comments with a polite smile and an unprovocative rebuttal. Here’s a chance to hear what the condescending misanthrope is actually saying in my head when I get faced with these conversation-enders.
“I could never go vegan. I love _______ too much.”
Insert (in the following order):
-Chicken or steak
Snooty Vegan: “That’s strange, those foods never tasted good to me at all.”
“How in the heck do you get protein?”
Snooty Vegan: (Choking) “Call 911! The Catabolysis is taking hold!”
Every time you get sick, people automatically ascribe it to your inadequate protein intake.
Snooty Vegan: “I guess you could be right, omnivores are immune to the common cold.”
“Mmm… I just love cheese.”
SV: “Are you jonesing for a casomorphin fix right now?”
“Drink your milk! The calcium makes you stronger.”
SV: (sigh) “How about we leave the milk for the calves (who it was originally intended for) and help children to stop pissing away their bones?”
“You’re vegan? I’m kind of vegan, too. I try to only eat red meat like once a week.”
SV: “I appreciate the sacrifice, but how can you continue to support an industry full of cruelty, corruption, and lack of environmental responsibility?
“How about adding a little fish to your diet?”
SV: “Of all the animal-based proteins that I need to supplement my diet, I don’t understand why seafood is always the first nominee. Hmm… I miss that pungent aroma of decaying, diseased, factory-farmed flesh.”
Vegan = Healthy
SV: “I wish! Sorry, omnivore, I have to exercise and watch what I eat, just like you. Technically, I could munch on Fritos, Funyons, Oreos, bacon bits, Pop-tarts, Hershey’s chocolate syrup, the garlic “butter” from Papa John’s, Pillsbury Crescent rolls, spaghetti, and call it a day. But I’m not sure if this would be considered healthy…”