The Snooty Vegan says…

I hate to perpetuate the stereotype of the heretical herbivore, but every vegan has encountered the following conversational situations. I usually will respond to these comments with a polite smile and an unprovocative rebuttal. Here’s  a chance to hear what the condescending misanthrope is actually saying in my head when I get faced with these conversation-enders.

#1

“I could never go vegan. I love _______ too much.”

Insert (in the following order):

-Bacon

-Cheese

-Chicken or steak

Snooty Vegan: “That’s strange, those foods never tasted good to me at all.”

#2

“How in the heck do you get protein?”

Snooty Vegan: (Choking) “Call 911! The Catabolysis is taking hold!”

#3

Every time you get sick, people automatically ascribe it to your inadequate protein intake.

Snooty Vegan: “I guess you could be right, omnivores are immune to the common   cold.”

#4

“Mmm… I just love cheese.”

SV: “Are you jonesing for a casomorphin fix right now?”

#5

“Drink your milk! The calcium makes you stronger.”

SV: (sigh) “How about we leave the milk for the calves (who it was originally intended for) and help children to stop pissing away their bones?”

#6

“You’re vegan? I’m kind of vegan, too. I try to only eat red meat like once a week.”

SV: “I appreciate the sacrifice, but how can you continue to support an industry full of cruelty, corruption, and lack of environmental responsibility?

#7

“How about adding a little fish to your diet?”

SV: “Of all the animal-based proteins that I need to supplement my diet, I don’t understand why seafood is always the first nominee. Hmm… I  miss that pungent aroma of decaying, diseased, factory-farmed flesh.”

#8

Vegan = Healthy

SV: “I wish! Sorry, omnivore, I have to exercise and watch what I eat, just like you. Technically, I could munch on Fritos, Funyons, Oreos, bacon bits, Pop-tarts, Hershey’s chocolate syrup, the garlic “butter” from Papa John’s, Pillsbury Crescent rolls, spaghetti, and call it a day. But I’m not sure if this would be considered healthy…”